I was trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, You are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.
Because we need each other
We believe in one another
I know we’re going to uncover
What’s sleepin’ in our soul
I’m looking through you, where did you go? I thought I knew you, what did I know? You don’t look different, but you have changed. I’m looking through you, you’re not the same.
When the sun rises and sets I can’t help but render it as a giant egg yolk.
. * . . ° . ● . ° ☾ °☆ ¸.
● . ★ ★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ ★ :. . • ○ ° ★ . * . .
¸ . ° ¸. * ● ¸ . …somewhere ° ☾ ° ¸. ● ¸ . ★ ° :.
. • ° . * :. . ¸ . ● ¸ ★ ★☾ °★ .
. °☆ . ● ¸ . ★ ° . • ○ ° ★ .
* . ☾ ° ¸. …there’s someone* ● ¸ ° ☾ °☆ . * ¸. ★ ★ ° . . . ☾ °☆ . * ● ¸ . ★ ° :. . • ○ °
★ . * . . ° . ● . ° ☾ °☆ ¸.
● . ★ ★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ ★ :. . • ○ ° ★ . * . .
¸ . ° ¸. * ● ¸ . …right now ° ☾ ★ ° . . . ☾ °☆ . * ● ¸ . ★ ° :. . • ○ ° ★
. * . . ° . ● . ° ☾ °☆ ¸.
● . ★ ★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ ★ :. . • ○ ° ★ . * . .
¸ . ° ¸. * ● ¸ . ° ☾ ° ¸. ● ¸ . ★ ° :.
. • ° . * :. . ¸ . ● ¸ ★ ★☾ °★ . ★ ° . . . ☾ °☆ . * ● ¸ . ★ ° :. . • ○ ° ★
. * . …thinking of you . ° . ● . ° ☾ °☆ ¸.
● . ★ ★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ ★ :. . • ○ ° ★ . * . .
¸ . ° ¸. * ● ¸ . ° ☾ ° ¸. ● ¸ . ★ ° :.
. • ° . * :. . ¸ . ● ¸ ★ ★☾ °★
He was everything and more.
I guess I am going to stay up and drink red wine and smoke cigarettes on my lonesome. This is becoming quite a habit that I wish I could stop, but I have no willpower. I am sick of feeling so pathetic. No matter what I do, I’m just not happy with who I am. I want someone here. I can’t always go running to someone because relying on someone; to me, is just setting myself up for failure. Just once I would like someone to share the night with me. I am not talking about friends. I am talking about someone; like a soul mate? ha. We could dance, watch the stars, and talk about life. I’m drunk and high so who cares what I write. I just really want someone who wants me, and wants to spend time with me.
I really want to go for a bike ride, but where’s my destination?
When it comes to relationships, people are always so scared of the what-ifs that they forget what is. They spend so much time thinking, “What if I get hurt?”, “What if it doesn’t work out?” that they stop thinking about things that are already real. They forget the feelings they get when the person they love walks into the room and the excitement that rushes through them when the phone rings cause it might be the person they are waiting to hear from. Never let the fear of what-if stop you from letting yourself take a chance on love, because what if this is the person your destined to spend the rest of your life with?
Which reality is actually more powerful: that of the present, instantly absorbed by our senses and discernible, or the memory of what we experienced previously? Is the present truly more real than the past?
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. but no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter, won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.
It’s not about finding someone who won’t fight with you, or make you sad or mad. It’s about finding someone who will still be standing there, wiping the tears away. And someone who will never leave or give up no matter how hard things can get.
I don’t wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover. No matter how it ends, no matter how it starts.
